"All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and it's candy
How long I've known this seed burst and grown
You're the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and it's candy

When they speak of the open door
And the way you've flown, it's fine
When they show me the evidence
And they're talking down your memory
Never mind the words they waste
They can't see you're mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love."

"Rain Song" - Sunny Day Real Estate

I used these lyrics to title one of my recent posts and the song itself was part of that post's play list. I was thinking back on memories of someone I love very much and created a play list of music that reminded me of our good times together and how good it felt to hear those songs when we spent time together. But I'm using it this time in a very different context.

Today, I thought back on the Christmases I have experienced in the past ten years. Many with family, one holiday season that I discovered that I could see myself marrying the man I was in love with and having his children, one holiday that the man that I loved announced that he loved me, too. Many where I was surrounded by families that were not my own, but treated me with as much love and care as they did their own family. I was blessed enough to spend not only last weekend with my own family, but Christmas Eve and Christmas with new families who also welcomed me with the same amount of love and affection.

This year has been difficult, frustrating, sad, and extremely trying for me. Challenges that were beyond anything I had ever experienced before faced me day after day after day for months on end. I have never been so overwhelmed in my entire life and for the better part of this year, I had only my family and a few close friends on which to rely. I have spent a long time punishing myself for some pretty terrible things I have done to other people I love very much, but today, an old soul reminded me of a few very important things:

"I know the things you have done. I have listened to your story. I have heard your confessions over and over again. I have seen you punish yourself and wonder what more you can do, but you have apologized. You have made extraordinary efforts to ensure that your apology was heard, but you can't force anyone to accept an apology. You can only move on and know that you are working to change. You have already made extraordinary efforts to change who you are today. You have walked in sadness and mourned your loves for a year. You have carried that sadness the length and depth of this country. But you have also begun to grow, you have moved on to a place where you can grow as a professional, as a friend and as a lover.

You have found amazing friends who love you unconditionally, knowing all these things about you and your past, and knowing that you have made some serious mistakes in your life. Your family still loves you unconditionally, knowing the things you have done to others and reminding you (often, but affectionately) that you can't keep f-ing up like that and/or that the things that you have done are forgivable when the people you are asking forgiveness of are ready and at some point, you have to forgive yourself. Defining a new place of honesty is a challenge for you, but you don't have to tell everything to every new person you meet. You just become that person that you want to be and you leave these people who don't know the person you are now, you leave them behind. Maybe, just maybe, they will wonder about you one day and seek you out to ask how things have changed for you. Maybe they will wonder what kind of person you've become and they may even discover that you were closest to being the person you wanted to be while you knew them, you just fell prey to bad habits for some time. If you're lucky, they'll realize that you have worked as hard as you have to become the person you always wanted to be. You have love. You are love."

My horoscope for 12.18.08:

"You may be a bit uncomfortable if someone brings up a sensitive emotional issue that you cannot casually sidestep. Paradoxically, your attempts to avoid unfamiliar terrain can actually be more difficult than just taking a deep breath and diving in. Even if you are surrounded by complex emotions, stay focused on active listening and then express what you feel. You'll come out of an intense interaction with a sense of renewed vigor and appreciation for life."

On 12.18.08, I also received the following message:

"This is about being family. We take care of each other. Nothing is more important.

We know you are having some rough luck and we are here for you. Life is too short not to take care of one another.

You are a great addition to our group. Good things are soon to come."

This note included a gift beyond anything I ever expected from people I haven't known even six months, a group of unnamed people that I am absolutely... glad, lucky, thrilled, enthralled, ecstatic, fortunate, happy, and grateful to call my friends.

The combination of all those things lead me to believe that it is time to say this out loud. In 2009, I will forgive myself. This sadness cannot continue. I owe that to myself and to the people around me who have done so much in such a short period of time to show me how they love. I will not continue to mourn the things I have lost when I have gained so much. I have fallen completely in love - with everything, with California, with my friends, with the probability (no longer the possibility) that I will start my own business here, with the future of my family in California, with the travels that await me, with the opportunities I have to continue my growth into the person I've always wanted to become.

I will not forget 2008, I will not forget the people that I love and the way things have changed for us, but I will forgive myself and move beyond 2008.

Labels: 2009, California, change, failure, family, friends, generalized reciprocity, holiday stuff, horoscope, lyrics, pay it forward, quotes, social responsibility, west coast