I had a dream last night that I was spinning in the air, arms completely outstretched and I was falling, head-first, spinning, spinning, spinning...

It seems that I know a lot of people who really don't favor those who turn around and say, "You know what, I made a mistake."

I don't take relationships lightly. I feel like I wasn't taken seriously, I feel like I was a glimmer of excitement in someone's life and he barely stopped to think about whether or not I would actually feel something. I don't start dating someone seriously unless there's a pretty serious intention in my head, and I certainly don't bother defining it as a relationship.

Where have I been this whole time? Ugh.

Labels: communication, confidence, confusion, relationships

[Tarot.com Aquarius Horoscope] You may have had a recent close encounter with your own emotional vulnerability. Today, however, you are ready to do the hard work necessary to face your fears and overcome them. Saturn is your ally now, defining what is out of bounds. Instead of running helter-skelter all over the map, settle into the present moment and remain open to feeling what's in your heart.

Labels: horoscope, in pieces, useless blog

[Tarot.com Aquarius Horoscope] You need to make sufficient time to think about a current emotional issue that's unfolding in your life. Even if you attempt defensive evasive maneuvers, you will likely be drawn further into the melodrama. Since you may not be comfortable in emotionally charged situations, it's crucial for you to play through the possible conversations in your imagination prior to facing them in real time. Your mental preparation will make it easier to speak from your heart.

It's like they freaking know me.

Labels: communication, confusion, horoscope, relationships

Maybe it's unrealistic, but I want to be worth every moment you want to spend with me... and not every moment you think is most valuable to you. To do something because there is value in it for us, and not just because there is value in it for you.

Labels: useless blog

Matt and I went back and forth on ditching work for the beach one day in October. The weather never quite made it to the ideal temperature in October and we had given up on the prospect all together and resigned ourselves to the fact that winter was imminent.

Not so! Yesterday, November 15, 2008, the temperature reached 82+ degrees in Santa Cruz, an unheard of temperature anytime in Santa Cruz, not just on November 15th. We made it down early, arriving at the beach around 10:30am and spent the day playing soccer (well, Matt did - I read), throwing frisbee in the water, and just generally relaxing. I haven't felt that level of relaxation in months and it was faaaabulous! Lots of pretty pictures to come (be sure to check back for the updated post with pictures later).

We left the beach around 5:30 or so, the temperatures cooling down and the crowds diminishing. We decided to swing by my place, shower and head out to the mall for some shopping, which never really happened because starvation took over. Had a late dinner at the California Pizza kitchen, headed home and watched tv for a few hours before passing out from sheer exhaustion.

Not realizing how exhausted we really were, we ended up sleeping in until 3pm today. I think I awoke once or twice briefly, wondering to myself why the handsome gentleman sleeping next to me hadn't gotten around to rolling out of bed to accomplish his multitude of weekend tasks (including going to work for a time). I believe I then proceeded to roll over, wrap his arms back around me and not care whether or not he was leaving.

Back to Iron Chef, walnut souffle?! Yum!! And blackberry mole sauce! Argh, I'm hungry again...

In the theme of being all over the place (in my thought process), I am looking forward to moving into a place that is hella cheaper. Dropping as much as I do on rent, I feel like I'm really holding back on the things that I want to do with my life - taking more classes, going on more vacations (and paying cash instead of credit), and just generally enjoying my life the way I want. January? I hope it'll happen - get out of here and get back to my life the way I like it.

Cheers to an absolutely fabulous weekend!

Labels: beach, nap time, snack foods, weekend, west coast

Last night was, well, pretty awesome. Matt and I went to check out Farmer Brown, some upscale Soul Food. Not a bad place at all; Matt had the fried chicken and mac and cheese, I had the pork tenderloin and Waldorf salad. I wouldn't say it's the absolute best pork tenderloin I've ever had, but it was damn tasty. I enjoyed it, the fried chicken was delicious and you can't really beat the $3 bottled PBR. Given my exhaustive state, I avoided booze, myself, but next time I will definitely be checking out their quality cocktails.


Ben Folds played at the Warfield last night and he was fabulous as usual. He started off the show with a lot of new stuff and closed the show with a lot of old stuff. Rocco deLuca opened for Ben Folds. I was bored. I know that's sad, he's got a great voice, but the opener should be someone who pumps people up, not someone who puts people to sleep. I was pretty bummed. Regardless, Ben Folds made up for the painful first hour of the show.

Matt and I had to have the discussion of our ideal concert-going group - after the Ben Folds experience, they would probably not include: the loud-mouth super-squeaky yapper, the 60's chick who is really, really, really into the 'feeling' of the music (and whapping me in the face with her hair), the super over-zealous screamer fan... who would be your ideal concert group?

On a completely different train of thought, I'm watching Iron Chef and they just made the most awesome looking cinnamon ice cream... that sounds delicious right now.

Labels: concerts, music, restaurants, review

I came across this handy tool, the Living Wage Calculator (compliments of Lifehacker), and I think I cried, just a little bit.

I'd love to know where a single adult can live in Sunnyvale for $939. Yeesh.

I can totally live on minimum wage... as long as I don't bother to pay any of my other bills. Right. Totally realistic. Regardless of that, it's still an interesting tool.

Haha, I said 'tool'.

Labels: Lifehacker, useless blog, websites

"No one needs drama. We all need to be successful, strong, and making a difference in our way. The "significant other" should be there to support that and pick you up when you fall down. Not to play games like "I don't know how I feel today". Fuck that shit."

We're all redefining what a successful relationship is. I think it's being a successful individual, finding the things in life that give you enjoyment and fulfillment. When a 'significant other' enters the picture, it's about taking those things that each of you loves, and supporting the other to the Nth degree. There isn't much of a 'traditional relationship' anymore, where you have all the same interests, you do everything together, you just learn to love the other person because they do things well.

I've encountered an 'issue' in my current relationship. I look around and see these young couples and I wonder, how do they get to that point? How does a couple get to a point in their relationship where they think about getting married, talk about it, decide to do it? How do you decide to have children?

How is it that I'm in a situation now that is so good, so perfect and yet, there's something holding him back? I blame myself, of course, I think it's natural to do that - especially after my most recent experiences with relationships. I feel a bit like eggs whites that got whipped up all nice and fluffy and then some fucker goes and drops a bit of yolk in and ruins the whole experience.

I have to vent via blog as to not drive him completely insane with my over-analytical female commentary. So I'm dating this handsome, brilliant (in my eyes - he's an engineer, how much smarter can ya get?), funny, snarky guy with great taste in music and things are going well. So well, in fact, that this sudden change in emotion is really throwing me off and I feel a bit like a hyper-emotional psychopath. I liked the way things were going - I missed him when we were apart, but never had a problem trusting him, still enjoyed my free time quite a bit, and when we were together, things were great. But over the past few weeks, he's gotten distant, gotten a little rude with me at times and I just couldn't put my finger on it. So I had to ask, "What is going on with you?"

I have a tendency to think that no guy ever wants to be the mean guy and therefore his "I don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it" means more than he's letting on. I also happen to know that when he's done with a relationship, he's done and makes it clear. Would he change his regular pattern for me? I don't think there's any special reason to treat me differently.

The best advice that I am willing to take right now is "You can't be afraid that something will fail, even a relationship." I don't think butterflies last forever. I don't know whether or not they are recyclable, I don't know how to make them reappear magically, and I don't know what makes one person want to really work with another person to make a relationship sustainable.

Is it too early on to be having these issues? Or is it a test to see whether or not this is a guy who is willing to work? I am not afraid of this, I can't be afraid of this. I think that I want my relationship to be one where it is a choice to stay in it because we love and care for each other. I'm looking forward to that, and I want that to be something that can start now. I don't have to make any decisions today.

Compliments of Rick Levine and the way I hope to think about this situation for today:

"You are in a position to share your vision of the future and there's no reason to hold back. Don't worry about being practical today; this is your chance to dream aloud. Remember, you aren't sharing your ideas for an action plan, so it needn't be grounded in reality. Telling a fantastic story can be more inspiring than a step-by-step strategy for success."

Labels: awkward, change, communication, relationships

It's been awhile since I updated anyone on the food in my life, so here's a few good ones for you:

This past weekend, my friend Mike was in town to visit Valerie, and Matt recommended that we all go out to a Vietnamese restaurant in San Jose, Vung Tau. We split an appetizer of Bi Cuon (forgive the lack of alternate characters): shredded pork (with the skin - as detailed by our waiter, as if we wouldn't want that) in rice flour rolls with basil and mint leaves. These were... well, not my favorite. Kind of bland, a bit like eating soap-flavored pork. We also got a green papaya salad with sesame chicken and basil, which was awesome - the sauce that was on the salad was quite tasty, sweet but soaked into the papaya really well. Our entrees were a red curry chicken (standard curry dish, nothing special) and an amazing vermicelli dish - lemongrass beef on a banana leaf. The ultimate in DIY-ing, you're supposed to grab a lettuce leaf, a layer of the sticky vermicelli, some of the thinly slicked lemongrass beef and fresh veggies, and voila, eat up! (Easier said than done.) Regardless of difficulty, this was definitely my favorite dish of the evening. Definitely a restaurant worth checking out.

So, in addition to that, I was really missing New England chili around Election Night, so I went ahead and attempted my own 3-bean vegetarian chili. Okay, well, I actually stole it from Rachael Ray (which, normally, I would never admit to) and adjusted it to my liking. It went over really well with everyone on Election night - some key things to remember:

- ALWAYS use beer instead of vegetable broth - and more than it calls for (I used about 1 3/4c of Blue Moon, but I'm trying to get my hands on some Cave Creek Chili Beer for next time)

- ALWAYS use something spicier than what the recipe calls for (i.e. two jalapenos instead of just one)

- I used Tapatio as my 'hot pepper sauce' - totally recommend it

Hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as our group did! Cheers!

Labels: alcohol, Blue Moon, friends, politics, restaurants, review, snack foods

I am fairly certain that, with the exception of one night that I can remember, I have officially seen more shooting stars in the past three months here in California than I ever saw on the east coast.

Oh, and I've wished for the same thing on every single one of them. Wanna know what I've been wishin' for?

None of yo' damn bizness!

Labels: useless blog, west coast