Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clean out... well... everything. It was awful. The first half of the year was awful, but the second half did a lot to change my mind about life, love, friends and my future. So, with that, good riddance, 2008. I'm ready to leave behind the bullshit you offered and take the good things you gave me into 2009.

Cheers!

Labels: 2009, over it

My dear friend Kundayi began the 10:2 Revolution on Facebook, the 10 most important 2-letter-words:

"The 10:2 Movement: (Ten two letter words)

5 years ago I embarked on a journey to unify my envisioned self with the reality of who I am. I was in an impoverished nation ruled by a dictator and crippled by the corrupt and shameless regime. I imagined myself in America at the best and largest contemporary music college in the world. With no funds and resources I drew up a practical plan to accomplish my goals, the most immediate being to attend college in the United States. I arrived in America in the fall of 2003 with $12.00USD in my pocket. 5 years later I'm still here and working on graduation in May '09, then it's off to Grad School in the Fall.

The process of becoming was not limited by the lack of resources in my "local situation", but it was fueled by the passion to unite my dreams with the reality and bring them to the NOW moment. Most importantly it was the understanding and personal positive confession that said "IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME.": I called it the 10:2 (ten two letter words).

As we all prep for for the next "move" in our respective journeys let us form relationships and engage this dream exchange program: converting positive imaginations to reality and grind towards our maximized potential.

Each week we will share principals that I have utilized and all members will chime in as we strengthen our determination, execution and ability to productively move forward.

We will do so through this online motivational and accountability forum/network established to ignite a blazing camaraderie among and between individuals seeking to maximize their potential and live out their professions, calling, vocation and a maximized life......NOW.

BOTTOM LINE:

At various intervals in life we envision and imagine the sort of individual we aspire to be: Our best-self. The best-self Physically, Economically, Socially, Professionally, Vocationally, intellectually and so on.

Relentlessly pursue the translation of vision into reality. If it is to be, it's up to you!"

I joined this group and, as you've seen with my 2009 resolutions, have begun to think about these things a bit more. Kundayi also asked us to identify "At my best, I am...", identifying our true goals. I am still trying to hash that out, but I had a go at it and this is what I came up with:

"At my best, I own and operate my own business. I am helping musicians grow and develop, I am enjoying my life because I have face time with the people I am helping and I am employing others who have the same hopes and dreams for these individuals pursuing their dreams. At my best, I am fluent in four languages. At my best, I am a kind, attentive friend who is able to listen without judging and give without expecting anything in return. At my best, I am debt free and give what I can to others who are in need. At my best, I am a mentor and a student, I am speaking when I need to be heard and listening when it is my time to be quiet. At my best, I am a musician, a pianist and a writer. At my best, I am helping my family get their feet planted in a new place, in new careers with new goals. At my best, I am in love with my life, my friends, my family and my lover. At my best, I am accepting love from those who give it to me freely and giving unconditional love to those that don't know how to accept it."

What are you like at your best?

Labels: 10:2, California, change, communication, confidence

11. No more fried foods - I've realized that the pattern I have of getting somewhat violently ill seems to fall right on the same days I eat very poorly... I think my body is flat out rejecting fried food. Not good. So, we'll see how long it will last, but no french fries, no chicken fingers, no fried nothin'. *sigh*
12. Cook one good, solid meal a week that will leave me with leftovers for at least three more dinners.
13. Make at least 10 new professional contacts per week.
14. Return to doing more volunteer work - at least twice a month, if not weekly volunteer work.
15. Teach someone something new every week; in return, hope that I will learn something new from him or her.

:-)

I'm sleepy. Perhaps #16 will be to take more naps.

Labels: 2009, change, social responsibility, work

I worry about you. I wonder if you're okay when I don't talk to you for days at a time. There's something in your voice that breaks and I don't know why you won't tell me what it is - maybe you don't even know what it is, but that bothers me even more. I hate that I can hear it in your voice and you just don't seem to know what to do. I'm not even concerned about what was going on between us before, I'm just worried about you.

I feel like you don't want me to ask or know, so I've tried to stay out of the way a bit more than I normally would... I worry that you're burying whatever it is that is bothering you and not dealing with it. I know I don't know you that well, but you were so open before and so closed now... maybe that's because our roles have changed. At the same time, I wonder if that's just the way you always were and you just slipped up when I came around.

I just don't know. But I kinda miss you.

Labels: communication, concern

1. $1M by the end of February 2009
2. $3M by the end of July 2009
3. $6M by the end of December 2009
4. Weekly abs class with Mr. Cameron
5. Okay, the 6 minute mile isn't going to happen quickly. Let's say a 7:30 mile by May 2009
6. Yosemite's Cloud's Rest in Spring 2009
7. Grand Canyon sometime during Summer 2009
8. Make it back to Boston in March and perhaps August... maybe 4th of July?
9. Make it a priority to work on my Spanish and French every week - as in, schedule myself time for the lessons 6 days a week
10. Begin my trade business - complete 25 trades by the end of June 2009; 50 additional trades completed by the end of December 2009

Hmmm... these are tough. I might have to detail them out in my next few posts. It's funny. I have to say that I'm glad I've gotten back to (almost) daily posts. It helps to hash out a bunch of other things I have going on in my head and gives me some good practice at writing out things I'm thinking. Stay tuned...

Labels: 2009, scary, start-ups, travel

"All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and it's candy
How long I've known this seed burst and grown
You're the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and it's candy

When they speak of the open door
And the way you've flown, it's fine
When they show me the evidence
And they're talking down your memory
Never mind the words they waste
They can't see you're mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love."

"Rain Song" - Sunny Day Real Estate

I used these lyrics to title one of my recent posts and the song itself was part of that post's play list. I was thinking back on memories of someone I love very much and created a play list of music that reminded me of our good times together and how good it felt to hear those songs when we spent time together. But I'm using it this time in a very different context.

Today, I thought back on the Christmases I have experienced in the past ten years. Many with family, one holiday season that I discovered that I could see myself marrying the man I was in love with and having his children, one holiday that the man that I loved announced that he loved me, too. Many where I was surrounded by families that were not my own, but treated me with as much love and care as they did their own family. I was blessed enough to spend not only last weekend with my own family, but Christmas Eve and Christmas with new families who also welcomed me with the same amount of love and affection.

This year has been difficult, frustrating, sad, and extremely trying for me. Challenges that were beyond anything I had ever experienced before faced me day after day after day for months on end. I have never been so overwhelmed in my entire life and for the better part of this year, I had only my family and a few close friends on which to rely. I have spent a long time punishing myself for some pretty terrible things I have done to other people I love very much, but today, an old soul reminded me of a few very important things:

"I know the things you have done. I have listened to your story. I have heard your confessions over and over again. I have seen you punish yourself and wonder what more you can do, but you have apologized. You have made extraordinary efforts to ensure that your apology was heard, but you can't force anyone to accept an apology. You can only move on and know that you are working to change. You have already made extraordinary efforts to change who you are today. You have walked in sadness and mourned your loves for a year. You have carried that sadness the length and depth of this country. But you have also begun to grow, you have moved on to a place where you can grow as a professional, as a friend and as a lover.

You have found amazing friends who love you unconditionally, knowing all these things about you and your past, and knowing that you have made some serious mistakes in your life. Your family still loves you unconditionally, knowing the things you have done to others and reminding you (often, but affectionately) that you can't keep f-ing up like that and/or that the things that you have done are forgivable when the people you are asking forgiveness of are ready and at some point, you have to forgive yourself. Defining a new place of honesty is a challenge for you, but you don't have to tell everything to every new person you meet. You just become that person that you want to be and you leave these people who don't know the person you are now, you leave them behind. Maybe, just maybe, they will wonder about you one day and seek you out to ask how things have changed for you. Maybe they will wonder what kind of person you've become and they may even discover that you were closest to being the person you wanted to be while you knew them, you just fell prey to bad habits for some time. If you're lucky, they'll realize that you have worked as hard as you have to become the person you always wanted to be. You have love. You are love."

My horoscope for 12.18.08:

"You may be a bit uncomfortable if someone brings up a sensitive emotional issue that you cannot casually sidestep. Paradoxically, your attempts to avoid unfamiliar terrain can actually be more difficult than just taking a deep breath and diving in. Even if you are surrounded by complex emotions, stay focused on active listening and then express what you feel. You'll come out of an intense interaction with a sense of renewed vigor and appreciation for life."

On 12.18.08, I also received the following message:

"This is about being family. We take care of each other. Nothing is more important.

We know you are having some rough luck and we are here for you. Life is too short not to take care of one another.

You are a great addition to our group. Good things are soon to come."

This note included a gift beyond anything I ever expected from people I haven't known even six months, a group of unnamed people that I am absolutely... glad, lucky, thrilled, enthralled, ecstatic, fortunate, happy, and grateful to call my friends.

The combination of all those things lead me to believe that it is time to say this out loud. In 2009, I will forgive myself. This sadness cannot continue. I owe that to myself and to the people around me who have done so much in such a short period of time to show me how they love. I will not continue to mourn the things I have lost when I have gained so much. I have fallen completely in love - with everything, with California, with my friends, with the probability (no longer the possibility) that I will start my own business here, with the future of my family in California, with the travels that await me, with the opportunities I have to continue my growth into the person I've always wanted to become.

I will not forget 2008, I will not forget the people that I love and the way things have changed for us, but I will forgive myself and move beyond 2008.

Labels: 2009, California, change, failure, family, friends, generalized reciprocity, holiday stuff, horoscope, lyrics, pay it forward, quotes, social responsibility, west coast

...from California!

Labels: California, family, friends, holiday stuff, west coast

I hope you all travel safely, enjoy your time with family and friends, and have holidays filled with as much love as I have!

Merry Christmas!

Labels: family, friends, holiday stuff

It has been one of the most hectic and exhausting weekends of my life. I'm not sure what makes it so (I mean, apart from not going to bed until 4 and 5am most nights and getting up by 9am), but it's been a good time.

I'm a bit disappointed. I feel like there's been so much running around and not enough talking to people. Catching up with several dozen people is a tough thing to do when everyone is always together in a huge group and you're overwhelmed with really awesome food and drink and music and activities... I love it, but I feel like we've gotten a bit excessive. Maybe next year I'll suggest a weekend in Tahoe, entirely catered, so no one has to do anything but relax, hang out, and socialize.

Saturday was a flurry of grocery shopping, napping (oops), cooking, basketball games, more cooking, trying to curl my niece's hair, my hair, trying to pack the cars full of people and food an gifts, heading over to my aunt and uncle's house for (literally) mountains of food, carolers (yes, real live singers at the house), white elephant gift exchange (I lucked out with some decent stuff, I have to say - makeup and face wash and nail polish, oh, my!), and just general insanity. It was fabulous. Today we did another grocery run, a mall run, stopped past the old house (that is still for sale) so I could say hello to my piano and we could look around the house, and came back to my brother's to make cookies. It was weird to stop by my big, empty house. I miss living there. If only I could pick up the house and the property and plop it in California, I'd be a happy camper. It was suggested to me that I should take a look at the cost to ship the piano to California and try to find it a temporary home... it's just sitting there in the house and trying to find someone to purchase it in this economy is nearly impossible. We've been trying to sell the piano for months and the house for years. It's just not happening. I might be the happiest person alive if I can figure out how to make that work somehow. We'll see. I also got to talk to my friend Matt from grade school. Turns out he's living in Denver now, working for the same company all my friends work for (small, small world), and seems to love traveling as much as I do. It was an interesting, but kind of awkward conversation. After not talking to someone for 12 years, you have to expect it'll be a bit strange, but still pretty cool. Part of me wishes I was staying here a bit longer so we could get together and chat, but maybe I'll try to catch up with him next time I'm in Denver to visit family instead. Anyway, 14 batches of cookies later, here I am, applying for more jobs after midnight, taking my stupid tests for the temp agency (how do you make a word italicized in Microsoft Word???) and contemplating going to bed at a reasonable hour.

Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to have lunch with an old friend, Rachael, and I am pretty psyched to see her. It's been a long time and a LOT of things have gone around for both of us, so I can't wait to go hang out! I'm headed back to Cali and out of this frigid weather tomorrow afternoon and I wish I could just pack up my family and take them with me... wouldn't that be easier? Seriously, it's 1 degree here. That's just wrong.

I can't wait to go home. To California. It's going to be a pretty weird week, but I think it will be okay... I hope it will be okay. I promise I'll try to be more upbeat and perky about this week, but no guarantees. :-)

Cheers and Happy Holidays - Cleveland Christmas pictures to come.

Labels: Cleveland, family, friends, holiday stuff

Mixwit, which hosts these fabulous mix tapes all over my blog, is shutting down on December 27th of this year. My guess is that there is some pretty serious licensing stuff going on that no one wants to talk about, but had ignored for a long time.

Anyway, I will be hosting my mixes on my own site somewhere, so I'll let you know when I tuck them away for safe keeping and your entertainment. :-)

Cheers to a fun thing, while it lasted.

A temporary replacement.

Labels: Mixwit, music, OpenTape, shutdown

There have been a lot of conversations around here about our menu for Saturday and then, subsequently around this book called The Omnivore's Dilemma. It sounds fascinating - the author theorizes why Americans eat the way they do today, based on historical changes in agriculture and FDA changes in process and regulations, etc. Basically, what it comes down to is that anything our grandparents can't identify by simply looking at it is probably not something we should be eating (i.e. Doritos, mayyyybe french fries, but even that was questionable). It's about identifying food in it's natural state rather than in this over-processed, over-preserved state. Sounds interesting and it's definitely going on my list. There are a few others here that I recommend checking out and I know I currently own some of them, but I'm just taking my time getting around to reading them, I swear. :-)

My current reading list:

1. The Omnivore's Dilemma

2. In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto

3. Groundswell - Winning in World Transformed by Social Technologies - [super-geeky-social media book; sorry if this isn't your cup of tea]

My Christmas reading list - books I feel the need to read every Christmas season just because I love them so much:

1. The Battle for Christmas

2. The Christmas Box; Timepiece; The Letter

3. Skipping Christmas [The movie rendition was horrific - read the book.]

4. Winterdance: The Fine Madness of Running the Iditarod [Not a Christmas book, but ideal for putting you in the mood to laugh at the absurdity of winter and running a dog race in the middle of it, in Alaska!]

Enjoy!

In other news, the tour of Hale Farm and Village this evening was pretty interesting. The year of choice this year was 1863, nearing the end of the war. Our tour group were to act as villagers traveling from house to house, collecting money for the women and children of men away at war. If you've never been, it's probably one of the more unique things that Ohio has to offer. Live actors, nothing overly-perfected about the whole entertainment of it, and walking from house to house with candle-lit lanterns is pretty cool. Comforting, especially in pure darkness, a bit a snow falling and not a sound to be heard for miles. I was pretty entertained.

I am looking forward to tomorrow... I think it starts somewhere around 6am with a cocktail. So I've heard. That might just be a rumor, though. On deck for tomorrow:

Grocery shopping: Christmas guacamole and Three Bean Chili
Cooking said recipes listed above
Possibly attending the men's CSU basketball game tomorrow to see the sis-in-law's cheer squad go to town
Wander over to my friend Rachael's for some wine (whine!?) and cookie baking
Wander over to my aunt and uncles for:

Highballs
Kielbasa
Pierogies
White Elephant exchange
Talent Show (?!?!?!?)
Harassment
Highballs
Amusement
Consuming more food than I can possibly comprehend
Family
Friends
Chocolate
Poker
Highballs
Possible drunk dials

Beware.

Labels: books, Cleveland, holiday stuff, lists, recipes

They's sneakin' in and stealing my foodstuffs! BASTARDS!

Labels: useless blog

Impossible. How could I have possibly woken up at 1pm on my first day home of Christmas vacation?

Oh, that's right. It's because I went to bed at 5am that same morning. 5am to my poor body felt like 2am (PST), which is what time my unemployed ass usually goes to bed. That is a disaster. Especially when, at 7:30am, Pint-Size (the one-year-old), starts the morning off with a, "momma... momma?............mooooooomma...... [dramatic pause]..... momma! MOMMA!," the last one rolling off with a little bit of a growl.

Fabulous. So, here we are again, 3:15am where I am and I'm still sitting here, surfing the web for jobs, contacting recruiters, and enjoying the, uh, nightlife here in Cleveland. This is definitely going to go over well tomorrow.

Today, I spent the day hanging around the house, socializing with my parents and Pint-Size, who is not only teething, but is completely obsessed with the movie "Cars", except in his language it sounds like "Guys" every time it comes out of his mouth (endearing the first three dozen times you hear it, I assure you). Don't get me wrong, after watching it for the first time earlier this year, it had quickly risen to the top of my Disney charts. I think it's somewhere around number 4 or 5 (right up there with The Little Mermaid, Aladdin and Monsters, Inc.). However, after watching it 3 times today, it may have begun to grate on my nerves a little. But only a little.

Once I surreptitiously diverted the child's attention in Papa's direction (aha! I have thwarted responsibility once again!), I was able to divulge in some Q-Time with my brother, during which he sat on my head and forced me to watch this bullshit. He will pay. Oh, yes, he will pay for that.

Dinner was had, and we chillins (brother, sister-in-law and I) ran off to the airport to grab my sister and head over to the mall so sis and I could watch the other two take advantage of the absurd holiday sales they have going on here in the Cleve. Absurd. As in, one store had 40% off the entire store. Everything. Winter jackets, dresses, jeans, jewelry, accessories, you name it. Bizarre. Welcome to the craptastic economy. Each store had, at maximum, three employees working. Yes, even during the week before Christmas. No one was in the mall. I was about to say it was like being there on a Tuesday morning at 10am, but even then, there are the mall grannies, who get their walk on in their fabulously coordinated velour workout gear. Crazy. Anyway, we picked my dad up some "dress jeans", because he now has casual Fridays at work and was bitching about not having any "dress jeans". We told him he's not allowed to wear his new stylin' Express jeans while mowing the lawn, working on cars, or eating anything that might cause a permanent stain. God love him, but the man needed some nice jeans!!

We wandered over to Chili's for some bad-idea-before-sleeping-in-a-houseful-of-people food (think lots of fattening Mexican-esque food), then wandered home. My sister was kind enough to stay up with me and entertain me by grabbing this stuffed plush stacking ring off of the spindle-thingy (of course, it was Eeyore, and not Tigger), and says, "What the hell is this thing?" Grabs it, sets it on the armrest of the couch, looks at it, sits on it and says, "Is it one of those things you sit on, you know, when you have, what is it, herpes?" as she is flipping Eeyore's head between her legs (which is a truly disturbing image, I assure you). I laughed so hard that tears were pouring down my face, "You mean hemorrhoids?!?!?!"

Ah, yes, and that was the extent of my fabulous evening. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Oh, and I spent the day thinking and contemplating and wondering and buried in thought and otherwise completely at a loss for words due to a completely unprecedented, unexpected gift given to me by people who, five months ago, didn't even know I existed. More to come about that in a future post that I attempted to write today but could not get past the first two lines without sobbing like a Christian during Hanukkah [aha! I have thwarted the standard discriminatory remarks by using another and used the word thwarted twice in one post - beat that!]. So, without further ado, I am going to make like a Canadian and go to bed at a disturbingly late hour (not sure what that means, but who gives a crap), while mentally trying to work out a coherent message to the people I am extraordinarily proud to call my friends.

I might be delirious.

Labels: change, Cleveland, family, friends, generalized reciprocity, holiday stuff, pay it forward

This is my first Christmas without Brian in 4 years. I've been trying to figure out how I feel about it, but I don't think I'll actually know until I get home and until I'm back here in California for Christmas and not in Connecticut. I'm so accustomed to curling up on that couch every Christmas, next to the fireplace, reading a book or napping or playing the Wii, hanging out with the family, trying to ignore the bass thumping from the basement, playing with Cooper and being excited about the gifts (and the food!) I'm exchanging with my second family. This is hard. I knew it would be. I feel like a big piece of me is missing, but I hope his and his family's holiday is as great as it has been in past years.

It's almost 2009. I don't really have complete faith in something like astrology, but I read my horoscope at the beginning of this year and it has inspired me to do a lot of things to change this year.

-----

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Your January 2008 Horoscope by Susan Miller

It's a brand New Year, and as you get closer to your birthday you are aching to start something new(at this time, the plan was Australia). If you are to believe the media, the only New Year's resolution on your mind is to lose weight, and while that might be true for you, you seem anxious to achieve something else too, something deeper and more all-encompassing. You want a fresh chapter to start soon, but to make this desire materialize, you will have to do a little preparation first. Start now, and you will have all year to do so. What's coming is most likely to be one of the best years of your life - one to take seriously!

In December, Jupiter moved quietly into your 12th house, putting you on a direct trajectory for your best and most successful year of your life - in 2009. Capricorn holds that title now, having been crowned celestial favorite last month for the coming year. This year you will prepare for your year, to arrive in early January 2009. The more you prepare, the better it will turn out to be. The first thing you need to do is find some obligations to offload or relationships to free yourself of, for if your life is too crowded in 2009, you will have no space to fit in all that's new. (I think I took care of this pretty well... *sigh*)

You will need to articulate as clearly as possible what you'd like to accomplish by the finish of 2009. That is not always an easy question to answer. Sometimes it's easier to start with what you don't like and certainly don't want more of in your life. That's usually easier to see, and easier to distance yourself from if you need to do so. We outgrow goals, sometimes before we even accomplish them, so before you put one on the list, make sure you still are passionate about getting your desire.

Sometimes we have several things that we'd like to change on our list, but changing them all would be completely overwhelming. Avoid the bleed effect - where everything seems wrong. It's usually due to one area of life that's so painful that it's causing a domino effect into other areas.

Jupiter is now in your 12th house, so if you think about things, your instinct will lead you to the one area that you would like to add, fix, improve, or jettison completely to feel instantly better.

Jupiter's new presence in your secret 12th house suggests that there are one or two individuals around you who will want to help you in a quiet, confidential way. In fact, you may not even know yet that you have the attention and interest of a powerful benefactor who has singled you out as a winner and who would be glad to speak on your behalf. (These two or three people have totally saved me from continuing to be the crappy person I had become - a huge thanks to them!)

If you would like to talk things over with a professional such as a life coach or psychotherapist, the best time to schedule a first session would be on or shortly after the new moon in your subconscious sector, January 8. You can also use this wonderful new moon to get the right help to finally end a self-destructive habit. Uranus will be in gorgeous angle to this new moon, bringing innovative ideas to the surface. Rapport with your professional should be unusually smooth at this time too, and that includes bringing your subconscious thoughts to the surface easily and naturally so that you can more effectively see success on your goal.

On a completely different topic, Uranus' involvement with the new moon on January 8 also suggests that you may hear good news about money either immediately or within a few days (two weeks at most). This would be money you earn as salary, not money you win, so no need to buy lotto tickets!

Speaking of salary, something very special appears to be bubbling up in your career these days, and this could turn out to be one of the most exciting areas of your chart this year. (woot! That totally happened.)

Think back to career conversations or actions you took last month near December 9 or 11. Those may lead to some mighty big gains for you in time - keep your eye on the area you were focusing on then. The time of the full moon, May 19, 2008, will be a key point for your career too, a time when you will see the blooming of many talks you are having now.

Jupiter and Pluto, two big players in the equation that adds up to career success for you, are past their conjunction point - that happened last month, on December 11 - but both are still orbiting in close proximity in January, giving you a superb ability to make your mark. Continue to be optimistic about new opportunities, especially ones where you can put your stamp of individuality on it. Also included in this trend will be an ability to make a difference in a charity, humanitarian, or political way.

Creatively, you've been coming up with a stunning array of gems lately, but with Mars retrograde since mid-November, you probably found it hard to get new projects off the ground. It's apparent that one of your ideas has solid profit potential but that you need the support of VIPs to get it going. Lately those very higher-ups have come off as aloof or vague or have been missing in action. Most (if not all) of those frustrations will melt away once Mars goes direct orbit on January 30. Watch the days that surround January 30 for clues that things are about to get on track again.

If you need funding for a creative project, you have a sterling day to schedule a confidential meeting, January 21. This will be one of 2008's most sensational days, a four-star day when Jupiter (good fortune and expansion) will send a key communication to Saturn (long-range planning). The plans you set in place at that time could take you far into the future. (That meeting is finally helping things to pan out these days.)

Once you get to the full moon in Leo, however, you must be ready to tie up all loose ends in all areas of your life, for Mercury is about to go retrograde.

This also is a full moon in your relationship sector, so either be ready to form a warm commitment or goal with your romantic partner, or conversely, clear the air about an issue that has troubled you.

This full moon seems much sweeter than any you've seen in recent years, so I feel the outcome would more likely be positive than negative. Old Saturn is now finally out of Leo for the first time in two years, so the problems that used to plague you simply won't be a factor any more. In fact, these issues won't even come up. If you were getting along with your partner, you may have been concerned about your partner's welfare or health.

Alternatively, you may seal an important alliance with a business associate on or very near January 22, and if so, it would be a very propitious time to do so.

If you were born on January 22, or close to this date, you will feel the effects of this full moon more potently than other members of your sign.

As mentioned, the day before the full moon, January 21, will be simply magical thanks to the cooperative efforts of Saturn and Jupiter, so if you plan on making a commitment, do so on January 21, if possible. Whether you make a personal or professional promise at this time, either way, it is likely to be in place a very long time - joyfully so.

I might add - without giving the plot away - that the February 6 (keep in mind, this was probably the worst day of my entire life)eclipse will be fabulously positive for you, a true gift from the universe! It will almost certainly shift your plans and priorities. I will go into that eclipse in more detail next month, but suffice to say that you should not fear what's coming - you will want to embrace it!!

Summary

January - and through much of 2008 - will find you in a pensive mood (no kidding). You seem to need more time off by yourself to reflect on your future without the distraction of friends and family (and right they were). You appear to be looking forward to this time. It looks as though the holidays were active for you and you also need a little rest.

A vacation taken now would be ideal. Rather than make it one that requires lots of sightseeing or sports, choose a soothing spot in a sumptuously beautiful locale, like Hawaii, the Greek Islands, or Bali, to fully decompress. Can't go that far? A lovely weekend in a snowy cottage in the woods, one with a fireplace and wood burning stove, would suit you just fine too, especially if you could go along with someone you find easy going.

Quiet pursuits such as writing poetry or essays, photography, film, design, sewing, reading, composing, or playing music would allow you to find your center. Your friends know you are the ultimate social butterfly, but this year with Jupiter, the Sun, and later in the month Venus and Pluto, touring your house of privacy and creativity, you seem to know you need this time to sit, think, and envision a better future.

The year after this one - 2009 - will be your biggest and most important in over a decade. That's when Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Aquarius for the first time since 1997. To get the full benefit of this rare and special trend, ancient astrologers wrote about the value in taking stock. Decide what needs to stay in your life, and what should go. What do you want more of, and what would you be glad to see less of? What exactly would you like to happen in your wonder year, as well as in the next ten years to come?

These questions aren't hypothetical ones. This year you will have the power to change things so you need to leave open some space for the universe to fill. These answers are important and shouldn't be rushed. You have all of 2008 to fully develop your list.

In the coming year, others may assume that it is "life as usual" for you, for they won't see many radical shifts or dramatic announcements just yet. You will know better. The most important changes in our lives often are first conceived in our minds and hearts, as wishes, dreams, or desires that we choose to act upon. If we can "see" in our mind's eye our new reality, we can make it happen. This is the process you will be working on in 2008.

All meetings and actions that take place behind closed doors now will benefit you. That includes all types of activities, from meeting with perspective clients and employers, to health professionals and coaches, and to creative work you do on projects dear to you. Alternatively, at work you may be ready to launch a new service or product that will demand the utmost secrecy. These types of endeavors do well for you now, so if this resonates with you, know you are on the right trail.

This whole year to come will also be ideal for giving up a bad habit. It matters not what it might be - spending too much money on things that don't matter to you, nibbling on cookies at night and leaving crumbs on the bed sheets, or failing to return library books - you name it, we all have one thing we would all like to delete and replace with something better. Jupiter, now in your 12th house, can see to it that you find a way to turn over a new leaf. You may work with a coach, read a self-help book that changes your perspective, or simply find the inner strength to say "enough!" and change. Make steps to end your habit on January 8 or in the days that closely follow that date.

Mercury will retrograde from January 28 to February 17. Since Mercury will retrograde in Aquarius, you'll feel the effects a bit more strongly than most. Prepare for delays and changes, and take it all in stride. Mercury retrograde will give you time to go back to previous projects that you are passionate about but put aside months ago, with happy results. Don't start anything new, but if you have something you want to go back to, it's the right time to do so.

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So... like I said, I'm not a big believer, but looking back over this year, this may have been the most accurate reading I have ever seen in my entire life. I am fascinated. I am excited for things to start rallying and moving along with the work I have been doing (personal and professional). We'll see what happens, but when someone tells you 2009 is going to be your best year ever but only if you take 2008 to clean out things and people that don't belong in your life, I feel like I have to pay attention.

How can I make this year my year, and not just rely on the prediction? I have lists. Don't worry.

Labels: 2009, amazing, business, change, communication, entrepreneur, family, friends, relationships, start-ups

Labels: falling, how to deal with confusing compliments, music

1. No Limit Texas Dreidel
2. Some knit bondage-wear and a willywarmer to give to a significant other
3. The best bumper sticker ever created
4. A signed xkcd print
5. I've wanted one of these since the first time I saw it in SkyMall magazine
6. Anyone who can find the little orange guy in the background will have my heart forever and ever and ever, seriously
7. Someone who can honestly answer this question
8. This is still funny, even after watching it about a dozen times
9. Something to impress the ladies
10. and finally, a variety of schwag that makes me wish I was Jewish

Labels: buy me something, holiday stuff, lists

and thinking on what might have been."

Labels: music, quotes

aka Boobs vs. Penis.

I am willing to give him some credit. The genitalia alone can really make someone or break someone, I swear, but come. on.

"I forgot to tell you how cute you looked in your costume today" should never be followed by "I wonder why so-and-so didn't come today; I think he wants to get into your pants". Mostly because the second statement is irrelevant given the little pitter-patter of hope the first comment instilled. Should he know better? I can hope so, but I can't presume that he understands how a comment like that would make me feel. Maybe a good bitch slap would have clarified, but then again, no... no, it may not have. Besides, I don't ever want him to stop making comments like that. Is it fair that I like him more and more every day and he is living in platonic-land? I don't know. But it's still my choice, I am still happy to just continue being me, solo and bitter (I'm kidding, I swear), in the meantime. That was always the plan, anyway, and I need this in order to figure out my next move in my brand new California life.

I'm still happier than I've ever been, but I feel I have to remind myself that it's okay to be happy. I don't have to think about all those things I did wrong before and I don't have to ask for forgiveness from these people, because to them, I've done nothing wrong. I mean, the occasional reminder to myself to not be a bitch is necessary. Care about others. Listen to other people's problems with the depth and sincerity that you would want and expect from them. It seems so simple and yet, I feel like I have to focus on it so hard to make sure it's working right.

I guess practice makes for socially retarded people, such as myself.

In other news, today was Santa Con, which is this ridiculously extraordinary extravaganza and gathering of 1,000+ Santas in SF for a giant bar crawl. As you can see, it's 10:00pm or so and yes, I am home, watching Legends of the Fall like a good Catholic (or something) girl. Post alcohol-intake. Good. God. Photos coming soon. Oh, and in case you forgot, I looked really cute today, so really, check back for pictures.

Labels: alcohol, communication, friends, holiday stuff, Santa Con, weekend

I took my "out" tonight. I pretended like it was easier to ignore you than to just talk to you like I normally do. Pretended to hang out like a normal person who isn't annoyed with you because you're unaffected. I'm not even sure I'm all that affected by our situation, I'm just annoyed with everything right now. Not your fault. I'm sorry. Thank you for the drink.

Labels: alcohol, change, useless blog

because my cats keep licking the window. Not kidding. Since 4:30 this morning.

Gahhhhhh. *hmph*

Labels: boredom, complaints, useless blog

I went to Peet's Coffee today. I ordered a cafe au lait, loaded it with cocoa and sugar. I used their internet.

A man came in and he was carrying a baby duck in his hand. Why? God only knows. He ordered a vanilla chai and didn't bother to grab a heat grip to prevent burning his empty hand. The baristas eyed him, unsure of whether or not they should make a scene about the tiny live animal, so publicly displayed in a food establishment. I had to know why a man would possibly come in carrying a baby duck. I followed that man.

He got into his car and turned a corner. He went to Whole Foods, purchased some fruit, some vegetables, and some pasta. He went to the mall. He wandered from store to store, but I could still spy the duck lump in his pocket. He went into Banana Republic and purchased a sweater (angora). I couldn't quite understand the ethics or logic of caring for this tiny duck and purchasing an angora sweater. Go figure. He was short with the cashier, denying the opportunity to open a Banana Republic card with far more force than necessary. We exited the store. He walked the mall some more, rode up and down the escalators and window shopped. He stopped at Auntie Annie's and purchased cinnamon pretzel sticks. He stopped in the restroom and it took him several minutes to come back out. I wondered if he had noticed me following him. I wondered if the duck shit in his pocket. He probably deserved it, buying the angora sweater and all.

He finally emerged, carrying his Banana Republic bag, but had discarded his Auntie Anne's leftovers. He stopped at the gift wrap desk in the mall. He handed over the sweater and asked for the red paper and a gold bow. Someone asked me a question. I lost focus. She was standing there, in front of me, "Where is the food court, do you know?!" No, woman, stop distracting me! I'm obviously completely enraptured by this man's affair with miniature poultry. I pushed her aside and saw the man walking right towards me, bag in hand. I was standing near the exit, right next to a soda machine. I pulled a dollar from my pocket and quickly began flattening it, as if to shove it into the money slot because my curiosity had gotten me so parched. As he passed by, his arm brushed mine and it spun his bag a bit. I had only a moment to notice that there were now two boxes in the bag, one slender and long, the other small and square, about the size of a snow globe. "Watch it," he hissed.

The lump in his pocket was gone.

Labels: boredom, ethics, this story is entirely untrue, useless blog

Well, I had a dream the other morning that I got arrested for something and they came, cleared out my bank accounts and I couldn't pay bills anymore. So yes, I presume I'm a bit stressed.

40 jobs applied to this week. At least there's a lot to choose from here. Tomorrow, I will give in and apply to be a bartender, waitress, eek, work in retail... Gotta do something, right?

Labels: jobs, state of unemployment

TechCrunch posted this data today... On one hand, at least I wasn't alone last Friday. 13k, laid off. What. the. hell. On the other hand, any hope I had of convincing some VC to give me money next Tuesday was pretty much squashed by this article, but nonetheless, I'm still going to try anyway.

I updated my resume on LinkedIn.com and you can also now see my poor HTML skills that I ripped off of some other guy at http://elainepodulka.com.

Rock.

Labels: entrepreneur, recession, scary, state of unemployment, TechCrunch, west coast

Last night, I briefly became that bitch that I was a year ago.

Since finding out that I am (yet again) unemployed (what was I just saying the other day about being employed???), my friends have been ridiculously supportive. Let's just say that I made some plans and broke them, in a fashion that didn't really paint me in the best light (although I was not actually as painfully at fault as I felt I was). I think I also hurt someone's feelings quite a bit... *guilty*

Anyway. Karma. I caught a cold from one of my disease-ridden friends and I am sick as a dog. I think I'll take off of work tomorrow.

Oh, wait...

Labels: boredom, communication, friends, jobs, state of unemployment

I hated this movie the first time I watched it, much like I hated Before Sunset and Before Sunrise the first time around, but I thought, like the other two, I'd give it another shot. I actually did enjoy it more the second time around, I have to admit. It's still sour, bitter, raunchy and a little obnoxious, but we're Americans showing up in Paris, what can you expect? I also loved this monologue:

"It's not easy being in a relationship, much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage. Jack confessed to me his fear of being rejected. Jack realized that after two years, he didn't know me at all nor did I know him, and to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other, even if it's not so easy to take. I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good, the idea that this is it, this is the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with, to make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem and it's very difficult for me. I told him that I could not be with just one man for the rest of my life. It was a lie but I said it anyway. He asked me if I was a squirrel, collecting men like nuts to put away for cold winters. I thought it was quite funny. Then he said something that hurt my feelings. The tone changed drastically. Then I misunderstood what he was saying, I thought he meant he didn't love me anymore and he wanted to break up. It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.

Here it is.
One more, one less.
Another wasted love story.
I really loved this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well, you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."



In other news, Gym Blog: Day 2? Ow. The elliptical, 45 minutes, steepest climb I could possibly do. Glutes say, "Yes, please, may I have s'more?" Rock.

Labels: movies, review, useless blog, working out

Experience has shown, and a true philosophy will always show, that a vast, perhaps the larger, portion of the truth arises from the seemingly irrelevant.

I am incredibly thankful for a lot of things.

I am employed.
I can pay my bills.
I am living in the exact place that I've wanted to be for a very long time.
I am healthy, but even if I was not, I have health insurance.
I will get to see my family at Christmas.
I have a group of wonderful, accepting friends, who take me at face value, unconcerned about the fact that I was someone else before I ever knew them.
I can do anything I want with my future, as long as I continue to feel inspired and continue to maintain whatever driving force it is that makes me want to do all of this.

Some things in life are irrelevant. Some things are not. Distinguishing between the two is nearly impossible until you take the time to watch the effects of things seemingly irrelevant. If there is one thing I have learned in the past year, it is an incredible amount of patience - I might still bitch and complain, but compared to my reactionary behavior in my past life, my level of patience is inconceivable (yah, I knew you'd like that Princess Bride reference, come on!).

I am going to buy a Christmas tree tonight. Not sure where I'm putting it, whether or not it will fit in my apartment... don't care. Green things make me happy. I hope your day is as happy contemplative as mine!

Labels: change, family, friends, holiday stuff

The worst part is that I'm trying to find things that I won't like about you to make this easier.

So far, I've failed.

Labels: boredom, lists, music, nap time, new music, sleep, useless blog

Spinning class.

My arse hurts.

And, to be perfectly honest, I feel like I was doing all this sweating and not working all that hard. That doesn't seem to make sense to me. No joke, sweat pouring off my body and yet, I really don't feel like I was working very hard. The only thing that hurts right now is my butt. Go figure.

On a side note, a friend told me she would never speak to me again if I liked the movie "The Holiday". It happens to be on HBO this very moment and I think I completely understand why she would refuse me now. This shit is so incredibly nauseating. On that note, I crack a beverage and say to you, Cheers to piss-poor holiday movies!

Labels: complaints, holiday stuff, scary, working out

This, thanks to dooce, is exactly why I do not ever desire to pro-create.

Adoption? Win.

P.S. Hyyyyyysterical!!!

Labels: damn funny, tip o' the day, useless blog